Life is funny. Success is both celebrated and disparaged at the same time. Culturally, Australia has this phenomenon called Tall Poppy Syndrome, where we love the story of an Aussie Battler (someone who wasn’t born into privilege) who overcomes the hardships of life to achieve great things – until it is decided that that person has achieved too much. Almost overnight they go from being celebrated to being “cut back down to size”. The media will turn on a dime and the poor person will go from being on the cover of quality magazines to being scandal rag fodder in a heartbeat.
Tall poppy syndrome exists at both a macro level and at a micro, individual level. We spend our lives being told that we can do anything we want to do and be whoever we want to be by the same people who then get upset when we achieve those things. These mixed messages most frequently come from the people who are supposed to love us the most and they are confusing and destabilising. We are told “don’t get too big for your boots”, to “remember where you came from” and that “no-one likes a show-off”. It’s absurd.
The result is that we focus our energy on walking that fine line between too good and not good enough. There are so many people in this world who have dimmed their brilliance because they are worried that they will outshine others and this will make them unlikeable. More often than not they have learned this the hard way. Friendships disappear and relationships end.
How often have you had great news to share and you’ve felt compelled to keep it to yourself because you didn’t want someone to rain on your parade? It sucks. We end up choosing to be less than so that other people can feel more than.
There will always be people who bizarrely think that success is finite and any success enjoyed by you means that there is less success available for them. This would have to be one of the most ridiculous mindsets that you can come across, yet it is so common. If you and your friend/family member/partner are both in the same race and vying for the same prize, then sure, more success for you means less success for them. Almost always, however, your field of success is independent of the other person and has no impact on anything at all except for their ego.
When we choose to perform at a level that is beneath our capability we let ourselves down and we let everyone else down. We make ourselves miserable because we know we can do better. We then find ourselves walking on eggshells just to keep other people happy. Anyone who has spent too much time navigating the insecurities of others knows that all it does is make you insecure as well.
It is well known that successful relationships (and by successful I mean satisfying for both parties, not just a relationship that lasts a long time) require compromise and sacrifice. It is one thing to compromise on what to see at the movies and what colour to paint the bedroom, but is compromising on who you really are going to serve you or the relationship in the long term? No – it won’t. Sacrificing the overseas holiday to pay for school fees is one thing, but sacrificing your career so that someone else’s ego remains intact is another.
The most important person in your world is you, even if you have kids. It’s the put-your-own-oxygen-mask-on-first analogy. If you are not true to you then you are not going to be able to offer the best of you to others. You can’t role model living your best life for your kids if you aren’t doing it yourself. The irony is that so many people put themselves last so other people can put their ego first. Is this what you’re doing?
Has turning down your brilliance ever fixed someone else’s insecurities? Of course it hasn’t. It never will. You can’t change other people. You can’t fix them and you can’t heal them. We can only change, fix and heal ourselves. Holding yourself back isn’t going to make miserable happier because they will just find something else to complain about. Misery loves company and they are trying to drag you down to their level. Don’t let them because it can be hard to get back up!
We have a right for the people in our lives to want the best for us the same way that we want the best for them, no strings attached. Pretending to be someone you’re not is only going to end in tears – your tears – and ruin your confidence because you will end up losing yourself. You will also end up resenting the people that were the catalysts for your decision to live a low-light life.
We don’t have to operate at full wattage all the time. But we need to choose our intensity based on what is right for us and what is going to make us happy. If people are telling us that we’re not good enough the way we are that’s their problem. They are responsible for their happiness, not you. Besides, you can always send them over to Confidence Advantage. We’re here to help everyone. 😉
